Note from Sarah: Thank you Jason Seib for another amazing post!
I have had some epiphanies in my research lately and I’m anxious to share them with you. One of the most eye opening ones for me is the subject of today’s post. Once again, we need to begin with a question, albeit one that sounds a little confusing on its surface:
Are you trying to feel better emotionally, or are you actually pursuing a goal?
Don’t answer until I explain. I recently stumbled upon a fantastic paper titled The False-Hope Syndrome: Unfulfilled Expectations of Self-Change, and I hope you will read the entire thing, but one particular concept jumped out at me. It begins with this:
Merely committing to a diet may make people feel more in control, more responsible for their weight, and, potentially, more likely to achieve their goals than they felt before making the commitment.
This all sounds great until we fully understand the following:
Unfortunately, however, the optimism and positive affect that accompany the beginning of a change attempt tend to dissipate with the vicissitudes of actually working to effect the change.
Okay, let me share with you an analogy that will be very familiar to some of you. When are you most likely to set a new goal to change your body? That’s an easy one. You most want change when you are at a low point and most dissatisfied with yourself. So, while looking in the mirror and listening intently to every little insult your inner voice is spewing at you, you put your foot down and vow to change yourself once and for all (again?). What happens then is amazing! From that moment forward, you feel happy, strong, empowered, valuable, and all without doing anything except deciding to make this change that is very important to you. For at least a short while, you have escaped that horrible inner voice by identifying with what you will become. We have all been there. The day you set a new goal is always a good day.
Then it happens: the bitter realization that the goal setting part was the part that feels the best and everything else is hard work. Emphatically proclaiming your intention to change put you on cloud nine, but actually doing the changing is serious business and requires a heap of dedication. To make matters worse, you set a huge goal, because the bigger the goal the better it feels when you set it, and you have all but doomed yourself to failure, which means your inner voice is warming up to rain hell down upon you.
Thus, we return to our original question: Are you trying to feel better emotionally, or are you actually pursuing a goal? I have talked about this general idea before (here and here, for example), but this question brings things into a new light. If you are setting goals and failing on a regular basis, maybe you are subconsciously trying to escape your own self abuse more than you are actually trying to achieve your goals. If so, then the cycle you find yourself in makes perfect sense. Every time you stick your chest out, hold your head high, and exclaim, “Today is the day I will change!” you are actually accomplishing your true goal of feeling better emotionally for a while. Your inner voice is temporarily beaten into submission and you feel like a million bucks. Sure, things go back to the way they were, but all future goals have the potential to return you to happiness again. But it’s a nasty little emotional roller coaster ride that may actually be addictive on some level. Unfortunately, while real life roller coasters drop you off where they picked you up, this one will take you someplace a lot worse as you lose more and more of your confidence, motivation, and self worth with each ride.
What’s the answer? The answer lies in your motivations. If you are not truly motivated to change, but merely motivated to find some relief from your torment, expecting change is a bit silly. However, understanding that change is the path to permanent relief from your torment will set you free, but please acknowledge that this will require that you love yourself enough to change for the right reasons. Change because you know you are worth it, not because you are desperately trying to escape yourself. From there, set realistic goals and be patient. Get off the roller coaster. You deserve better.
Go forth and be awesome.
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About Jason
Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! (with arms raised) I hope you don’t think this is spam, because I love your blog and your cookbook, I just yelled this and then wanted to share it!
I love it…
This post is amazing and very relevant to how I was feeling today. I was beating myself up for being on the “set goal, accomplish nothing” cycle I’ve been on. Such an interesting and new perspective. Thanks for sharing!
Mindfulness is so helpful and I wish we talked about it more in the paleo community… eat, sleep, sex, lifting heavy, etc… but we often avoid psychology and emotion and I think it’s part of this balanced lifestyle we are striving for. This is such a great insight Jason, that our self-perception is the root of our emotion, and the trick is to find lasting, healthy compassion and self-love versus the temporary coping mechanism you’ve described. OR do as I do and just eat your feelings… mmm ice cream!
Kidding! Sort of….
I nearly got emotional reading this…you’re right, it all boils down to self-confidence and how we perceive ourselves. I need to do some self-reflection!
So the million dollar question-how do you change that mindset? This was eye opening for me. I hit all of my goals. But I truly feel i’m just trying to feel better emotionally. And I have pretty high self esteem!
That part can be tricky, but I think it helps to focus on your accomplishments and your health. After all, sustainable improvements in aesthetics are improvements in health. If you do some souls searching and honestly try to set goals that are about improving your whole person, I doubt you could progress too far without actually liking yourself. Just a thought. Stay tuned, though. I’m always working on this stuff.
Another approach to clarify your values around care of your body (values being the way we want to act, what we want to stand for etc) and use this to guide actions (like using a compass to keep heading north). Goals are useful but sometimes even achieving them isn’t that satisfying (as in the paper Jason referenced). You may or may not reach your goals but you can act on your values everyday. There are some recent developments in psychology which I think would be helpful regarding the issues raised in the post – take a look at acceptance and commitment therapy (www.thehappinesstrap.com is a good intro).
What a great post! Thanks for the insight Jason. You have a real way with words and seeing inside people.
This is so true. It doesn’t just apply to changing the way you look but almost everything else, for instance your working habit. I have many times felt angry at myself for not following through what I set out to do, and made a promise to myself to feel better. The same thing would repeat in the next few weeks. Only until I see some consequences, which truly motivates me to move forward.
I love this post! You are so spot on! The decision to change feels great… but now it’s time to go to work.
I like this principle. What you said could be applied to addictions of any sort right? Good stuff.
It’s going a little deeper psychologically and I like that. It’s asking deeper questions. Sort of like are you trying to lose weight to look good in a bikini (nothing wrong with that – but it’s selfish and shallow)? Or are you trying to lose weight so you can be healthier, live longer and be around for your kids when you get older?
Great article!
This is really a great article and also one that I can totally relate to ! Many times I have berated myself in front of the mirror and made promises that were short lived. But this could actually make a difference. I want to make a change because I was ALWAYS slender and energetic ! That reality now exists only in my mind….BUT I would love to bring it out and make it happen. I know I would feel better physically and mentally ! So here’s ” A TOAST ” to my new nickname…….Twigs ! Thank you…..
This is fantastic! I have been challenging myself to specific cleanses and have not been sure what my ultimate goal is. I’d like to burn some fat, but that may just be unrealistic. When I decided to adopt an 80/20 paleo lifestyle, there was nothing to it! I didn’t even think about it, and it became so easy because I felt great! Once I started setting specific goals (strictly paleo for a month, sugar detox, juice cleanse), I found that I would ONLY crave what I couldn’t have! I didn’t have ANY cravings while changing my lifestyle, and if I did, I indulged! It was simple. We seem to overcomplicate things so much, to the point of it becoming stressful on us! Thanks for sharing. Very well-written and well-thought!
I hardly write responses, but i did a few searching and wound up here Changing or Escaping | Everyday Paleo.
And I do have 2 questions for you if you don’t mind. Is it just me or does it look like some of these remarks appear like they are written by brain dead people?
And, if you are posting on additional social sites, I would like to keep up with anything new you have to post. Would you make a list of the complete urls of your public pages like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?
I’m at FB here: http://www.facebook.com/jaseib
I’m just Jason Seib on Twitter.
Still avoiding Linkedin for as long as possible.
My book is The Paleo Coach (http://www.amazon.com/The-Paleo-Coach-Extraordinary-Sustainable/dp/1936608472/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365515614&sr=8-1&keywords=jason+seib)