Today my Coby turns 17 years old. Happy Birthday my sweet boy. I’m sharing this monumental moment with you because I’ve shared my life with all of you over the years and today truly marks the day that tossed me head on into the rest of my life. Monumental moments like today make me so aware of how there is such a strong connection, an ebb and flow, a strange underlying current that leads us all to where we are today; and if we are open – we can look back upon our lives and see the answers that we so often search for – but only if we are open.
Coby is one short year away from being an official adult and well, I’ve happened to be a large part of the process of getting him there; being his mother and all, and together we have been through some wild, amazing, scary, beautiful, sad, and life altering moments. The first moment being the one in which I realized that I was going to be his mother.
The realization that my son turns 17 today has sent ripples through my soul. I was only 17 when Coby made his future presence known and barely 18 when he was born. Today, I look up at this amazing man and realize how much we both have grown. We really did grow up together.
Coby saved my life. Literally. The path I was headed down prior to being his mom was one much darker than the path I’m on today.
I can close my eyes and go immediately back to the moment I held Coby for the first time, looking down into those chocolate eyes, studying his whispy hair, and his little bottom lip sucked in, and his long long toes. I was suddenly a mommy, who still needed her mommy, who decided to be the best mommy she could be; no matter what.
The same day Coby was born, my mom wrapped us both in her arms and told me in the voice that she reserved only for me. “Sarah, you will raise this baby. You will nurse him. You will take care of him. You will love him. This is your job and yours alone and no one is going to do it for you.” She was so right. I did all of those things. I nursed him, I tucked him into bed with me, I strapped him on my back and figured out how to clean my own kitchen and do my own laundry. I figured out how to live, despite all of the challenging circumstances that come with being an 18 year old mother, I loved my little baby with all my might.
Over the years I have made 10 million mistakes but my mom’s words still resonate with me: “You will love him. This is your job and your job alone.” Fortunately the alone part ended when I met John. Coby and I were a little team and I always doubted that anyone could love us as much as we needed to be loved but I was wrong. Looking back over the events in my life that led me to meet my husband, I know that without Coby, I would have never met John, and without my husband, I would not have my Jaden or Rowan, and without my little boys, I wouldn’t even be sitting her typing these words right at this moment.
Everything in life is a gift if we let it be one. Even with great loss we often make great change. Even with confusion and fear we can look for clarity, peace, and solace because there is always a meaning if we search for one. I am not a very religious person but I do believe that we are all connected, that there is meaning, that it takes a bit of effort, a willingness to step outside of your comfort zone, an internal drive to make things just a little bit better if we can, and an innate ability to make your own situation the best one that you can and that sometimes all it takes is someone to tell you, “This job is yours and yours alone. You will take care of whatever life’s challenges might be. You will nurture what’s important to you. You can love.”
Thank you Coby for being such a bright and shining light in my life. Thank you for being wiser than me and for always calling me out when I need to get my head on straight. Thank you for being brave and strong; no matter what. Thank you for always trusting me when I was trying to figure out what the heck to do with this life. Thank you for holding my hand and hugging me tight; even at 17. Thank you for teaching me more about myself than anyone else ever could. Thank you for saving me. I love you.